Are you ready for e-Biz total failure? If you have recently launched a new business venture and are looking for the best and fastest ways to completely ruin your chances for success, we have assembled the best of the best for you right here, in the list below!

1. Don’t Bother Planning

“Winging it” is a lot more fun than meticulous planning, so avoid planning like the plague. Note that this includes both not bothering to write a business plan before you open your virtual doors, and continuing on with the ‘No Planning Paradigm’ once you’re up and running. It’s just a waste of your time. Don’t do it.

2. Use a “Scattershot” Approach
So many companies waste enormous amounts of time trying to find their “niche,” or “identifying their market,” but not you. See, your “market” is everybody. Your product has universal appeal and everyone will come running to buy whatever it is you’re selling, so you don’t have to worry about silly details like “niche” and “market demographics.” It’s just not important.

3. Don’t Learn From Others
Because you already know everything, right? And since you do, there’s nothing to be gained by studying industry best practices or seeing how the most successful people in your market are operating. Freely ignore details like these.

4. Ignore Customer Feedback
“Customers” are a huge time sink. A lot of them whine and complain endlessly. Just tune these out. If you ignore them, they’ll eventually go away.

5. Wall Yourself Off
To help you ignore your customers in #4 (above), you should take pains to make it as difficult for your customers to reach you as you possibly can. Best of all is to design your website with no “Contact us” information on it. That way, they’ve really got to do some digging to be able to work out how to reach you, and of course, when they do, ignore them per the advice above!

6. Offer Lousy Products and Services
“If you build it, they will come.” It doesn’t matter if what you build and sell is no good, they’ll still come. Well, at least some will come, and all you want is to make some money, right? So don’t spend too much time worrying about the quality of what you sell. There’s a sucker born every minute, right? Sell to them!

7. Don’t Manage or Track Anything
Look, since you already know everything, this is another gigantic waste of time. It doesn’t matter that you keep your eye on all those trivial, day-to-day details. That’s pure administrivia and is beneath you. Just say no.

8. Build an Awful Website
Your website should be built like the ‘Gordian Knot’ of myth. A bewildering tangle that is nearly impossible to navigate. After all, most people enjoy baffling puzzles, especially when they’re in the mood to spend money, so you should take every opportunity to make buying from you, or even navigating around on your site, as frustrating as you possibly can. Your customers might complain, but since you’re not listening to them anyway, what do you care?

9. Outsource Everything
One of the best ways to fail is to be completely detached with what’s happening with your company. Just let everybody else do everything. Delegating is what management is all about, isn’t it? You don’t need to know what they’re doing, why, why it’s important to your business, or even how much it costs, so in addition to outsourcing, insist that your outsourcers not bother to give you regular updates. You don’t need to be burdened with those details anyway.

10. Listen to Everyone
There are thousands of “experts” and “gurus” out there who are willing to sell you information and advice about literally every aspect of your business. If you’re not comfortable with item 3 (above), by all means, go to the other extreme and listen to everyone. Spend as much money as you can gaining their words of wisdom, and try to implement all of it simultaneously. The results will be nothing short of spectacular.

While the list above was meant to be tongue-in-cheek to make you smile, we sincerely hope you’ll take the above advice to heart and avoid doing all of those things. Here’s to your success!