The Five Worst Apps In The Universe, And Why They Truly Suck

It’s time now for our First Annual “Suckzilla!” competition, in which we identify the five worst apps you’ve probably never heard of, and why, if you have heard of them, you should stay as far away from them as you possibly can. Let’s dive right in to see what new layers of pure awfulness we can discover!


5) Coming in at number five, we’ve got the much maligned Wall Street Journal Mobile app for the iPhone. Proof positive that big companies can produce lousy apps. In this case, the award is somewhat surprising, because WSJ’s iPad app generally draws positive reviews. In this case, it’s all in implementation and interface. What worked on the iPad doesn’t work nearly as well on the iPhone’s much smaller surface, and what you wind up with is an app that’s virtually impossible to navigate, and even more difficult to get any value out of. Worst of all, you have to pay a subscription fee for the useless thing!
4) “Will You Marry Me?” Yes, it’s an app for those not man enough to actually propose to his girl. First, no self respecting man would ever resort to proposing via an App to begin with, and second, even if he did, I can’t imagine a woman responding in the affirmative to such a proposal. Has anyone ever actually used this for its intended purpose? If so…has anyone actually gotten a “yes!?” Inquiring minds want to know!
3) “iFart” There are a great many apps of this variety, but the iFart is probably the worst of the worst. Not only does it make a truly astonishing variety of cringe-worthy flatulence sounds for your enjoyment, but it also gives them colorful names. Do you feel the need to let a “Forrest Dump” fly from your phone? Or perhaps a “Dirty Raoul” is more your speed just now? You and all your friends can enjoy these, plus the ‘Jack the Ripper,’ ‘Burrito Maximo,’’The Wipe Out,’ and a whole host of others, all at the touch of a button. Given all the possible uses for apps, and all the productive things they can allow us to do, this one’s just…staggering.
2) “Hang Time” the app that invites you to throw your very expensive iPhone as high into the air as you can, while it records how long said phone remained in flight. The person with the longest “hang time,” earns bragging rights. Unless, of course, you miss the catch, in which case, your expensive iPhone is now in several pieces on the pavement. Do people actually fall for this stuff?

I think you’ll agree that all of these are fairly bad, but the title of Suckzilla, and winner of the worst app of 2013 has to go to this “gem.”
1) “IamAMan” – The idea behind this app is simple. If you’re a single guy, and you’re dating several women, you may have a tough time remembering when your various women are menstruating. If this describes your situation, then you need this password protected menstruation calendar, so you can keep track of this, and thus, adjust when you will and won’t be seeing them. It actually saddens me that someone made an app for this. There are a million things I want to say about it…a mix of sorrow, disbelief and outrage, but instead, I’ll just let the app speak for itself, and if ever an app richly deserved the title of ‘Suckzilla,’ this one surely does!


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